The Legend of Zelda: The Weird Waker
by Tweedle Dumbass
Summary: Can Link, a crazy islander from Outset, save his sister? First fanfic!
1. Prologue

Wow...this is my first fanfiction...I hope you enjoy!

I don't own Zelda. Don't rub it in.

The Legend of Zelda: The Weird Waker

Chapter 1: Prolouge

Once upon a time...wait, that's not right.

This is but one of the legends of which the people speak...what do you mean, what people? The people of the Great Sea, dimwit!

Long ago, there existed a kingdom where a golden power lay hidden. That's very descriptive, "golden power." Is that the "golden power" of the golden arches? The "golden power" of the Golden Gate Bridge?

It was a prosperous land blessed with green forests, tall mountains, and peace. There was also a volcano, a castle, a thieve's hideout, and a portal to a parallel universe. And there was no peace! Every race waged war on each other!

But one day, a man of great evil found the golden power and took it for himself. He went over to the people and said, "Gimme that thar golden power thang." And they handed it over to him, even though he looked like he was evil, sounded like he was evil, smelled like he was evil, and said he was evil.

With its strength at his command, he spread darkness throughout the kingdom...well, actually, he took the golden power, then it split into three pieces and THEN spread darkness throughout the kingdom.

But then, when all hope had died and the hour of doom seemed at hand, the man of great evil crushed everybody. Or so you would think, except...

...a young boy clothed in green appeared as if from nowhere. In truth, he appeared from the Kokiri Forest, and must they always focus on the greeness? Couldn't he be distinguished by his transparent blonde hair?

Wielding the blade of evil's bane, he sealed the dark one away and gave the land light. Again, another case of nondescriptivitis. First, he worked his way through three bad-arse dungeons to get three Spiritual Stones, took a seven-year nap, worked his way through FIVE MORE bad-arse dungeons to get five Medallions, then wallowed through a gigantic evil tower, fought the evil dude, stampeded down the tower in less than three minutes, THEN sealed him away. Actually, it was the seven sages who sealed him away.

This boy, who traveled through time to save the land, was known as the Hero of Time. Not the Hero of Silly-Hatness, Transparent-Blonde-Hairness, or Green-Dress-Wearing-Elfishness. Wonder where some one would get a confusing name like that.

The boy's tale was passed down through generations until it became legend. Which perfectly explains why it's called The Legend of Zelda, NOT The Legend of Link.

But then...a day came when a fell wind began to blow across the kingdom. NO, NOTHING BUT MOVING AIR! I'LL NEVER COMPLETE THIS CASTLE OF CARDS!

The great evil that all thought had been forever sealed away by the hero...was still sealed away, whaddaya think? In reality, the great evil...

...one again crept forth from the depths of the earth, eager to resume its dark designs. Nope, couldn't say plots, just had to say "designs." No one ever says "designs" in that matter of reference.

The people believed that the Hero of Time would again come to save them, being the feeble wimps they were...

...but the hero did not appear, the Linkedict Arnold.

Faced by an onslaught of evil, the people could do nothing but appeal to the gods. Couldn't run, hide, or run and hide in a bomb shelter, for they were just too peaceful. They could make cities in volcanoes, but they couldn't make a sword out of Play-Doh.

In the last hour, as doom drew nigh, they left their future in the hands of fate. Although fate told the people to harness the golden power and lay the smackdown on the great evil, they didn't listen.

What became of that kingdom? None remain who know. Actually, I know. But I'm not telling. It's for me to know and you to get annoyed by becuase you'll never know! MWUHAHAHAHA!

The memory of the kingdom vanished, but its legend survived on the wind's breath. How does something survive on the wind's breath? None remain who know...even I don't know!

On a certain island, it became customary to garb young boys in green when they came of age. Exactly WHAT age? Nondescript! Nondescript!

Clothed in the green of fields, they aspired to find heroic blades and cast down evil. The young boys probably wouldn't have much work to do, seeing as how the island is less than a mile long. And not all fields are green. Some are brownish, wheatish colored. FIND heroic blades? Do the morons just expect swords to be laying out in the open?

The elders wish only for the youths to know courage like the hero of legend...which would be impossible to achieve unless said youths acquired the Triforce of Courage...

This chapter was actually quite easy to do! Don't know about next one...I shall update after three reviews...I think. Shortly after, because I might still be writing chapter two. See ya!


	2. How it All Began

Well, here are the responses.

**keeper-of-mauve-paradise**-The first reviewer! Glad you like it.

**Speedfox**-You sound like you really want this chapter.

**Nega Link**-It sounds like I don't want to get on the Nega Link's bad side.

**TempleMaster17**-Believe me, ideas are already forming.

**Knuckles Spyro Fox Link Zidane**-Glad you found it! Hope you like the first real chapter.

**Mecha Scorpion**-Thank you very much! I gained a lot of "inspiration" from your story and Knuckles Spyro Fox Link Zidane's...but why didn't you submit a signed review? Too lazy?

Zelda is owned by Nintendo Company, Limited. Which is not me.

Chapter 2: How it All Began

A young girl named Aryll was running along a path, looking for her brother.

"OYYYYYYY!" She screamed. Nobody took any notice.

Abe and Mesa were talking nearby.

"That weirdo Aryll looking for Link again?"

"No, I think she's looking for Oyyyyyyy."

Aryll had constructed a megaphone from grass, sand, spit, and plutonium.

"OYYYYYYYYYY!" A nearby house collapsed from the sonic wave, yet nobody answered.

Undaunted by previous failures, Aryll then proceeded to reach through a minus-65,000,000 year aural wormhole. The sound of the largest meteorite (the one that supposedly killed off the dinosaurs) blasted through time and space, causing earthquakes, volcanoes, tornadoes, hurricanes, whirlpools, and enthusiastic dishwashing.

Aryll, somehow still having a sense of hearing, could still hear nothing. Except for people shouting "MY LEG!" or "MY ARMPITS!" or even "ZZZZZZZ..."

Wait, what was that last one?

The snores were obviously coming from the watchtower. Where else would they be?

Aryll rushed to the watchtower, but had some trouble getting up as she had to bat off all the rabid "Z"s.

"Oy!" Still, nothing could wake up Link.

Aryll was getting annoyed by now, and was seriously considering to reach through the aural wormhole again, but she had a new idea.

"Erm...Publishers Clearing House!"

Link woke up faster than you could say Zelda. Zalda, Zadla, Zeldoo, Dezla, Zelda! Yeah, he woke up faster than that.

"FINALLY! My dream's coming true, for-wait, WHERE ARE THEY?" Link exclaimed.

Aryll had to keep on her toes to keep Link releasing his wrath of false alarms. She shuddered, thinking of what happened last time...

FLASHBACK

The algebra professor was droning on, as usual.

"-which is why two plus two equals five. Now open your books to page 34,520 and tell me what _x_ stands for.

"Finland?"

"I'm afraid the correct answer is-"

A very loud siren blared through the entire school.

"Wow, that sure is a funny answer!"

"FIIIIIIIIIIIRE!"

The building was empty faster than you could say fire. Fry, firo, rife...

Link then began steaming by the ears. Which could mean one thing. His brain was shriveling. He was probably mad, too.

"What? No fire? FALSE ALARM! LINK SMASH!"

Link then produced a triple nuclear warhead from a wormhole and launched it towards the school. The whole tradegy could have been avoided if the wormhole generator wasn't kept in the Fire Drill Field.

END FLASHBACK

"Ummm...you just missed them! They went to your house!"

Several months later, the black speckled pig of the island was found in a bush close to the path. It looked as if it had been stampeded over. The door of Link's house avoided the same fate by jumping into the sea.

"WHERE ARE THE CLEARING HOUSE PEOPLE I WANNA MILLION BUCKS AND I DON'T MEAN DEER!"

"Oh, hello, Link. Happy birthday!" Link's grandmother did not seem affected in the face of insanity.

"AH DON'T CARE 'BOUT BIRTHDAY WHERE ARE PUBLISHERS!" The Incredible Hulk would be proud of Link's behavior.

Grandma was stupefied, but remembered Link's dream of being visited by Publishers Clearing House and his hate of false alarms. "Umm...they gave me your reward. Here you go!" She then handed him the Hero's Clothes!

Link looked at the tunic oddly. "A manskirt? I think I'd rather prefer my orange pants." He then examined the hat. "Is this some sort of new type of shoe? Are you only supposed to wear one or something?"

"No, dear, it's a tunic and hat."

Link was still looking at the hat. "How am I supposed to fit in there?"

"Look, Link! Is that a Purple Rupee on the wall?" Grandma shouted, pointing to the wall.

"What? Where? I don-" Link was suddenly out cold on the floor. When he came to, he was wearing his Hero's Clothes properly. "These are itchy!"

Grandma was still trying to find a place to hide the bat. "You only have to wear them for a day. Now go see Aryll to get your birthday present."

"Present? Not presentS?"

"No more backsass or I'm hitting you with a blade of grass!"

"EEEEEEEK!" Link ran out like a person who had been threatened with a blade of grass. He was stopped by Sturgeon on the way.

"Hey, Linkem, hold L on your controller to L-Target me, then press the A button!"

"What controller are you talking about?"

"No, I'm talking to the person playing the game!"

"What game?"

Sturgeon knows too much! The package must be delivered to the watchtower! Mayday! Mayday! Zero-niner!

A brick then fell out of the sky and smacked into Sturgeon's head. Not that anyone would have trouble aiming at Sturgeon.

"Oy!" Aryll announced upon the arrival of Link.

"I've told you, my name is not Oy!"

"Close your eyes so I can give you your present!"

"I will not stand for any present! I demand a gift!"

"Ta-da!" Ta-da'ed Aryll. "You can have my telescope for a day!"

"Why only a day?"

"'Cause I need it!"

"Name one time where you needed your telescope."

"Zill said he would give me a rupee if I let him have it for a day."

"Whatever."

"Hey, Oy! Look through it at the red mailbox!"

"What's a mailbox? And while I'm at it, what's red?"

"Don't milk it, Oy."

"Alright, alright. Wow, it looks like somebody took a really big crap next to it."

"That's the mailman, idiot!"

"The mailman's a crap?"

"OH MY GOSH! LOOK IN THE SKY!"

"But I'm still looking at the crap!"

"JUST DO IT, FOO!"

"OKAY, OKAY! Whoa, look at that bird! It's huge! He probably crapped the mailman!"

"But he's carrying a girl!"

"I'll go save her, for this chapter is getting too long!"

Aryll seemed genuinely confused. "What chapter?"

Link knows too much! The package must rescue the girl! Mayday! Mayday! Zero-niner!

Link IS the package, dumfart!

Oh, right. Well Aryll knows too much! Get her!

Some one then hit Aryll with a brick.

"Well, I'll need a sword to cut down the ferocious flesh-eating trees that block the path...I think I'll go and find one!", Link both brilliantly and idiotically deduced something at the same time.

_Later, in Orca's House_

"Hey! I found a sword! I think I'll take it!" Link then took the Hero's Sword right from under Orca's nose, instead of getting the chainsaw, missile launcher, semi-automatic Colt .45 Magnum pistol, or wet spaghetti noodle.

_Later, near the Ferocious Flesh-Eating Trees that Block the Path_

"Back, you ferocious flesh-eating scoundrels that block the path!"

The trees were thoroughly terrified. "Mucousy metal! Run for it!" Uprooting themselves, they ran strait through the solid rock in search of tissues.

"Mucous?" Link looked at his sword and realized that he never wiped Orca's boogers off of it. "Eeeeeewwwwwww, nasty! That's just gross! What a sick world we live in!", Link complained. He decided to comfort himself with a Crap-on-a-Stick, accompanied by a yellow slushie.

Upon scaling the not-so-mountainous mountain, Link was about to cross the bridge when he noticed a sign that talked about life insurance from Colonial Penn. There was also another sign next to it that said the bridge was out.

"Hm...this bridge is rather large, and rather broken...how will I ever get over there?"

_Several Hours Later_

Link had amazingly produced a pair of wings, using wax and grass. He had a spare pair, which he gave to a pig.

"Now, Icarus! I mean Piggy! Flap your arms and fly! But do not fly too high, for your wax will melt, or too low, for the wax will soften and fall apart."

Throwing Piggy off the cliff, Link flew over to the other side with ease. Piggy, however, kept flying higher and higher.

"No, Icarus! I MEAN PIGGY! Why do I keep saying that? Fly lower, fly lower!" But Piggy did not listen. The wax seemed to soften, feathers started to drif-

Link was not that interested anyway, so he strolled into the forest. But lo and behold...A BOKOBLIN!

Mr. Blin charged towards Link, who was wielding the Snotty Sword.

"OOOOH, BOOGERS!", Blinny shouted. "MINE!" Mr. Blin almost ate the sword, and ended up stabbing himself in the mouth.

Now Link had a Saliva Sword, which would prove futile against his next challenge..._two_ bokoblins!

Actually, the forest was empty, but two nearsighted kargaroks flew in with bokoblins in tow. One dude landed roughly ten feet from Link, while the other didn't even make it to the mountain.

"Beware my unbelievable power!", the new bokoblin screamed, and with that, started a slap fight with Link.

Link just pulled out his sword and started slicing the bokoblin. The guy seemed very tough.

"Why isn't he dead yet? And why do my hands hurt?"

In reality, Link was not slicing, but whacking the bokoblin with the handle of the sword. He was holding the blade.

"What? Oh, thanks!" He easily beat the bokoblin into a pulp.

Don't mention it.

"Wait a minute, who are you?"

Link knows too much! The pack-

There was the distinct sound of a brick hitting a disembodied...body.

The mountain suddenly shook with the intensity of something really intense.

Some girl had fallen off a tree.

"Hey, lady! Are you all right?", Link inquired.

The young girl looked like she was fine.

"I'm fine."

"You must've been really fat to make the mountain shake like that."

"I'm not fat!"

"You're not phat?"

"No, I'm not fat!"

"That's just what I said!"

"I'm saying that I'm not _fat_, not _phat_!"

"That's an oxymoron!"

"You're an oxymoron!"

"Spell oxymoron!"

"O-K-S-E...MORON!"

"Miss! Miss Tetra!"

"Hey, how do you know my name?"

"It's not me, it's that wimpy looking pirate over there."

True to Link's words, a wimpy looking pirate ran over to Link and Tetra.

"Oh, Miss Tetra, when-HEY HEY HEY! I'M NOT WIMPY!", yelled Wimpy. "And my name isn't Wimpy, it's Gonzo!"

"I like Wimpy better.", Link announced.

Tetra agreed with him. "I agree with you."

Wimpy sighed exasperatedly. "WHATEVER! But when the big bird dropped you on this summit-"

"This isn't a mountain! It's more like a super-duper hill. A mountainette-ette, if you please.", Tetra corrected.

"Big Bird dropped you on this mountainette-ette?" This comment, of course came from Link.

Ignoring the island idiot, Tetra and Wimpy rushed out of the forest. "We need to repay Big Bird!"

Link followed them, as he had nothing to do.

Link emerged into the bright, sunny day. Tetra and Wimpy were just standing there, doing nothing in particular. Aryll was on the other side of the bridge.

"OYYYYYYY!"

"WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT!"

"WHAT!"

"GET OVER HERE SO YOU CAN HEAR ME SAYING 'WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT'!"

Aryll probably didn't even hear him, but started to cross the bridge anyway. And then...Piggy swooped through the air and kidnapped Aryll. Then the Helmaroc King swooped through the air and kidnapped Piggy kidnapping Aryll.

"OYYYYYYYYYY!"

"MY NAME IS NOT OYYYYYYYYYY!"

"OINK OINK OINK!"

_Later, by the Docks_

"SAY WHAT!", say whatted Tetra.

"What!", said Link.

"No, I mean you want to come on our pirate ship?"

"Well, I was fully prepared to take one of those canoes on the beach and paddle there, but sure, I'll come!"

"No way!"

"Actually, I don't think it would be too unreasonable blah blah blah yappety yap!"

The Rito postman, Quill, was reminiscent of Link's algebra professor in the manner of how he droned on.

"Hey, it's the really big crap!"

"Boring boring drone dribble yap blah blah yap!"

Tetra could stand no more. "ALL RIGHT! I'll let him on if you shut up and he can find a shield!"

Link could stand no more either. "WHY MUST I DO EVERYTHING! WORMHOLE!"

A handy wormhole deposited the Hero's Shield and a severed hand near Link.

Next Chapter: Snow Fat and the Six Idiots

Brain...hurts...will update after 5 reviews...think I pressed Enter too many times...


	3. Snow Fat and the Six Idiots

Well, I've been getting a pretty warm welcome here. I feel like I've been taking too long...but I know _some_ people who take longer! Here's the responses!

**Evil Donut Man Reborn**-Thank you. You have a creative name...

**japanimeniac**-I'm gonna keep on keepin' on...keepin' on.

**Knuckles Spyro Fox Link Zidane Sora Artemis**-So it's Sora now AND Artemis! Eventually it's going to turn into something like what I told you in my review for Chapter 8. But I don't know how this chapter will turn out...I'm not brimming with as many ideas. You know how explosions are common in your fanfic? I think it might be wormholes with mine.

**TempleMaster17**-Thanks for the mechanics note. I was never too solid on that whole thing. I don't try to create too many verbs to desribe the dialouge, though, so I'll see if I can avoid that. You sound like a very experienced author, and I am glad to have healthy criticism behind me as I write this fanfic.

**Gamer21**-Woah! Wasn't expecting you to review! Just one more of my favorite authors and it'll be a party! Expect many more wormholes, black holes, white holes, green holes, and pastrami. Er, not really...and be careful with that bat, you might hurt yourself in that sugar high. The "nihihihi" laugh usually isn't a good sign.

**Celebi**-You might want to try and read this at home. Or bring a pillow to work and laugh into it or something.

**Mecha Scorpion**-Ha! I got you to log in! And again, ha!

**lil-dragon-blue**-Shotgun? You get to sit in the front of the car? Oh, you mean the other shotgun...AAAAH! Your praise can really bring a smile to a downtrodden face...well, you know, if the downtrodden face hadn't been broken by being trodded on. Yay! A perfect score! Wait a minute...did you just call me _Teeter_ Dumbass? Dang! Nobody gets my name right! It's always, "Hey, did you hear about that guy Treedle Dumbass," or, "Tweety Dumbass has done some good work." Now I know how Strong Bad feels about fhqwhgads.

**Andrew Kirby**-Ah yes, reminds me of my early days of reading random stories that looked good, probably forgetting about them later on...good luck in finding fanfiction!

**Ril-0**-Wow, that many? I forgot! Sorry! Five of them were just from some other authors who wanted to tell me something, but just did it through review.

Leave luck to heaven...and leave Zelda to Nintendo.

Chapter 3: Snow Fat and the Six Idiots

The pirates' ship was sailing off, everybody on Outset (about nine people) were waving goodbye while shouting goodbyes that no one could hear, and very cheesy music was playing. And Wimpy wouldn't stop banging on a really big gong.

"Ugh...do you know how much longer this is going to last? Can you give me an estimate or something?"

Link looked over his shoulder to see Fatty, er, Tetra, sulkily staring at him. "Probably will be over with pretty soon, seeing as how Wimpy stopped banging the gong.

"MY NAME IS NOT WIMPY!"

Wimpy's shout suddenly gave Link an idea. "Hmmm...I haven't made fun of the other pirates yet...I think I will!"

Several minutes later, Senza, Nudge, Mako, and Zuko were grudgingly awaiting their new names.

After barely ten seconds of thinking, Link looked at them in the order above. "Yes! I know! You can be Beardy, Sissy, Nerdy, and Creepy!

"...," interjected Zuko.

"Link, stop goofing around! Go down belowdecks and bug Niko or something!"

"Okay, Fatso!" Link scurried away before Tetra realized what he had called her.

_Belowdecks_

Niko was simply standing in one place, as many people in Wind Waker do. Link strolled down, then spotted Niko.

"Oh, I missed one? You can be Stupid!"

"So you're the new swabbie, eh? Give me five!"

Link was only halfway in the process of giving somebody a five when Stupid added to his last comment. "...HUNDRED PUSHUPS!"

"No way!"

"THE ONLY ALTERNATIVE IS TO DO THIS DUMB LITTLE MINI-GAME WHERE YOU JUMP ON PLATFORMS AND SWING ON LANTERNS TO GET OVER THERE WITHIN A TIME LIMIT!"

"Done, then."

While Stupid was making his way to the goal, Link decided to think about how to beat the challenge. He obviously couldn't go the regular way, seeing as how it was a trap. Miraculously, an idea came immediately. Having studied in gemstone class for several years and being an expert at cleavage (I know what you're thinking, you dirty minds, but cleavage is splitting a stone by striking it), he hurled his shield at the Hero's Sword and effectively sliced it in half, including the handle. Huffing and puffing, he blew a small hole right through the side of the ship's hull. He leaped through and stabbed the He's Sword into an unbroken part of the hull. After stabbing his Ro's Sword into a plank further away, he freed the He's Sword and progressed onwards. Thanks to intense mathematical calculations, he stopped right where the goal was. Thanking the goddesses that he always carried garlic taped to the side of his head, he quickly ate it, then breathed on the wood, rotting it away. Link leapt inside onto the goal, and with a burst of Alchemy, sacrificed a couple planks and welded his swords back into one. Stupid was still on the fourth platform or so.

"What did you...how did you...WHAT!" Stupid spluttered.

"Duh duh duh duh, duh duh, duh duh can't touch this!" Link was just bragging all over the place.

"BUT IT WASN'T A RACE!"

"Well, that's what you think."

"I guess you get the treasure...or whatever..."

Link became aware of a menacing-looking chest sitting a couple feet away. Slowly and dramatically opening it to mysterious music, he revealed..."AAAAHAAHAAAA! BLINDING LIGHT! EVERYTHING'S GOING DARK! Or more of a dingy brown..."

"You're not blind. You fell over and are staring at the floor."

"Oh, okay," Link looked in the chest again to find..."A PURSE! I WIN A STINKIN' PURSE FOR CLEAVAGE, HUFFING, PUFFING, MOUNTAIN CLIMBING, BAD BREATH, AND ALCHEMY!"

"Yes."

"This is an honor! Thank you for such a creepy-faced bag."

"Well you know what? You're _not_ welcome!"

"I'm not? You con artist!" Link terminated this statement by kicking Stupid in the shin, after which he ran back abovedecks.

_Later, Abovedecks_

Tetra was extremely agitated. Not only did she have to babysit this moronic sap, but he was causing mischief all over the place. He wouldn't stop calling her Fatty, he had given some dumb names to the pirates, and now he believed that he was intoxicated from having eaten too much pudding.

Link stumbled over to her. "Hey beautiful," he slurred, "Nice tatas."

Tetra nearly stabbed him out of sheer annoyance, but calmed herself down with a Tae-Jitsu breathing exercise. Eventually, the simple-minded villagers, having barely any Rupees, would have to hand over their island as payment. The pirates would turn it into a fast food community and make millions, all part of their master plan to...to...do something...they didn't know what would happen next, as they didn't think they could get this far. "I will be in my cabin. No disturbances until we reach the Forsaken Fortress." She had some thinking to do.

Link was examining a control panel beside the steering wheel. "Hey, what does this button do?" After pressing said button, the ship incredibly grew ten jet engines and rocketed off to the north.

_Twenty Seconds Later, in the Forsaken Sector_

Having had no time to think on her master plan, Tetra halfheartedly climbed up the crow's nest. Link met her up there.

"We'd never get close enough to the brittle, unguarded door. How would we get you inside?" Tetra looked at Link with a strange little wink.

"Hey...why are you winking at me like that? It's creepy! Stop! STOP!"

_Another Twenty Seconds Later_

The pirates had set up their catapult, aiming for the Forsaken Fortress, with Link in a barrel as the ammunition. Link had somehow not realized he was in a barrel, and quickly started making a lot of grunting noises in an effort to get out.

Nudge started dancing. "Hey, it's a new dance beat! Do the Grunt Grunt!"

"Shut up, Sissy."

"Okay, Link, we, as pirates, do this all the time! We have the best aim in the League!"

"There's a league for this?"

"PULL!"

Link was sent flying (and yelling his butt off) into a reservoir of the Forsaken Fortress. It seemed that he had managed to hold on to all of his items, but a mean wormhole materialized, took Link's sword, slapped him, and dematerialized. He could distantly hear the clatter of his sword being dropped somewhere at the top of the central tower. Link had just climbed out of the lake when something in his pants started vibrating.

"NOOOO! MY PANTS ARE ATTACKING MY BUTT! MAKE IT STOOOOP!" He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a Motorola RAZR cell phone.

"Ha! The look on your face!" Tetra's voice emanated from the little gadget. "I slipped this thing into your pocket while Sissy was doing the Grunt Grunt. We can communicate through it, and with a new kam-eer-uh, I can see what you're doing, too. Good luck without your sword! Beep...beep...beep...beep..."

"Wow...it sure got dark pretty quickly...hey! Floodlights! Looks warm, and I need to dry off." Link calmly strolled into a searchlight, and...

_In the Jail Cell_

Link was thrown in to much complaint. "Hey! You don't have to throw me in! I could've walked you...big...poopy! Dah! How could I be so foolish? ...Don't answer that. Wait...I'm an Alchemist! I can turn these hard pillars of wood into soft pillars of...DIAMOND!" With another burst of Alchemy, he transformed the rotting, flammable wood pillars into indestructible diamond pillars. "D'oh, crap! Diamond's harder than wood! I'm such a stupid dumfart!" In his rage, he hurled a stool at a corner of the cell. In fact, he threw it so hard that it collapsed into itself in the manner of neutron star, which, of course, produced a black hole. A black hole so incredibly powerful that it sucked the entire universe in and ended existence.

Then, before time and space existed, there was an appallingly large explosion. The Big Bang that created the Universe. And nearly fourteen billion years into its history...

Link was thrown in to much complaint. "Hey! You didn't have to throw me in! I could've walked you...big...poopy! Dah! How could I be so foolish? ...Don't answer that. Wait...I'm an Alchemist! I can turn these hard pillars of wood into soft pillars of...MARSHMALLOW! With another burst of Alchemy, he transformed the hard, nearly-perfect-material wood pillars into yummy marshmallow pillars.

_Several Hours Later_

After eating so much marshmallow, Link was the size of a large boulder, and was so blubbery that he could plow right through the Moblins. After rolling (he could no longer walk) back to the area he came in from, he started to think:

"How do they get those searchlights so bright? It couldn't be fire...they must have invented the light bulb!"

Since the light bulb did not yet exist, a plothole opened and destroyed the searchlights, disappearing as unexpectedly as it came.

"That was helpful! Now, to save Piggy! Oh, and Aryll, too."

Link rolled right through the Forsaken Fortress with surprising ease, barreling over all who opposed him. He had almost reached the room where Piggy (and Aryll and Mila and Maggie) were being held captive, but couldn't get past a small ledge that he would normally sidle over. Link began to ponder over it, unaware of the group of Moblins creeping up on him. His stomach began to rumble, and...well, it's said that the stench still lurks there today, but the Moblins were reported to be found six sectors away on Overlook Island, supposedly having died of air poisoning.

Having returned to normal size from the gargantuan outburst of, well, you know, Link sidled along the cliffs to a small enclosure. A Green Bokoblin guarded a large door, and his sword was in the middle of the floor! Doing his trademark jump up and down victory dance, he drew attention to himself, which led to spikes rising up through the floor that blocked the entrance and mysteriously hurt you when you touched the smooth ends. Dramatic battle music emanated from the Bokoblin's boombox as Link swiped his sword back and leapt into battle!

Of course, Battle was very offended, and stomped off to where he wouldn't be leapt into. Nonetheless, Link stood back up and sprinted into combat!

Of course, Combat was very-no, I'm just kidding. Link rushed over to the enemy and pricked him with a splinter. Blood spewed out at an appalling rate, Kill Bill style. Within seconds, the Bokoblin had lost so much blood that his secondary organs were shutting down, he couldn't concentrate very long, and-

Link was still not interested in details, so he just entered the final room. The cell was in the corner, and hope gleamed in Piggy's (and the girls') eyes as he (and they) noticed him. However, the hope was squashed, stamped, stomped, stampeded on, charbroiled, tenderized, glared at, eaten, and killed when The Monstrous and Ugly Helmet...er, Helmaroc King swooped in and abducted Link!

The bird flew over to a wooden ship built onto the central tower. An ominous man in black robes moved his head to the right, at which signal the Helmet...I MEAN HELMAROC King ate Link.

And since the main character's dead...

THE END

Black-robe man sent a death glare at the bird. "I MOVED MY HEAD TO THE RIGHT, NOT THE LEFT, YOU MENTAL BIRD!"

After a great deal of heaving and coughing, the Helmaroc King spit up a Link covered in the slimy substances that have never been identified. Barely giving Link a "Sorry I ate you, I know that hydrochloric acid can sting," the Helmaroc dude grabbed Link and hurled him across the ocean!

Next Chapter: The Prime Minister of Green Giraffes

Holy crap I took long enough...hope you liked it! 7 reviews will earn you the right for next chapter.


	4. The Prime Minister of Green Giraffes

I'm slow, I know, but I'm tryin', I'm tryin'! Responses!

**Knuckles Spyro Fox Link Zidane Sora Artemis**-Yup, wormholes. Ah, Full Metal Alchemist, that's an...okay show. The opening sequence is really embarrasing to be around, but the storyline is good. Don't get your hopes up on Link Elric, though, you won't see any of that anymore. Well, maybe in a later chapter.

**lil-dragon-blue**-One of the seven reviews...you make it sound like "the talismans of power" and they will unleash a wholly awesome force upon the Earth...or it could be the seven sages.. And I never commented on your Deviant Art...so...you're friggin' awesome! Although I would have to tell that to everyone, since I am a lemon in drawing. Your heaven or hell? picture would probably top my best.

**Ril-0**-Pardon my French, but what the _crap_ are you talking about? You did not say what? I got a review from you on Chapter 2 about how I had twenty reviews and still hadn't updated, AND it was signed, AND both links lead to the same page! Tell me what you're talking about, _then_ throw the WTFs at me. If you're talking about this section right here, they're the responses. _I'm talking to you here._

**Gamer21**-I'm not even going to ask.

**KirbyXtreme**-It's okay. I've got another reviewer who doesn't have the game.

**Mecha Scorpion**-The platform and ropes challenge: step on a switch. A bunch of platforms rise up from the floor. You can jump to the first one, but the next platform is too far away. To solve this, you jump onto a lantern on a rope that's suspended from the ceiling and swing over. If you take too long, the platforms fall back to the ground and you have to start over. The whole Alchemy thing was a joke, you probably won't be seeing any more of that. As for the black holes and wormholes, they're something you'll have to get used to...at least one wormhole per chapter! By the way, I meant seven reviews on chapter three. Yeah, I guess it is cheap... :'( But you're the sixth review! Plus, the reviews were flooding in for Chapter Three, I had to up the goal!

**Yami no Megumi**-Thanks! Sorry about the slowness.

**Brittanga**-Yeah, Link pretty much just sits there for a couple of seconds before realizing he's in a barrel, and then starts doing that weird wriggle around thing.

**TempleMaster17**-More mechanics! Yay! And a good review! YESSS! Do the victory dance! I'm good, I'm goo-uh, I mean, well, of course I got a good review. I'm just cool like that.

**Nega Link**-O-kay...

"Leave luck to heaven" or "in heaven's hands" is pretty much what _Ninten_ stands for. _Do_ is often added to the end of the name of a Japanese company. While on the subject, _The Legend of Zelda_ franchise is owned by Nintendo.

Chapter 4: The Prime Minister of Green Giraffes

Link awoke to much soreness, confusion, and bookmarks. Yes, bookmarks seemed to be raining from the sky, which had decided to transfrom into a water bottle.

He was sitting in a finely crafted red boat, with a fearsome carved lion head on the bow.

"Link...get up...Link...wake yourself up, man!"

Link could find no source of any such voice, but the lion head actually turned around and started talking to him. He could not hear the boat, but it still talked on, oblivious to the floating chair whacking his head. Deciding to take in his surroundings, he spotted Sesshomaru from _Inuyasha_. "What the heck are you doing here!"

The demon, no longer seeming to be interested in attaining the Tessaiga, looked at Link. "I am afraid, my dear quasimoto, that you are a blithering idiot. Stay in school!" With that, he exploded into cotton candy that tasted like razor blades.

Looking to his other side, Link saw...Bob Dole! "Bob Dole also thinks you're a quasimoto. But Bob Dole likes you. So Bob Dole will support you. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole." He kept repeating his name until he fell asleep.

The strange talking boat had a pained look on his face. "Still suffering from that concussion...another nine hours of obnoxious snoring." Link fell back asleep, just as the boat complained.

_Nine Hours Later_

Link awoke to soreness and confusion, this time without bookmarks, Sesshomaru and Bob Dole.

The boat turned around again and started speaking, the only difference being that Link could hear him now.

"Greetings-" Before could put in another word, Link started to freak out.

"WHAT THE HECK! I THOUGHT YOU WERE A HALLUCINATION!"

"Not surprisingly, you are shocked. Of all the boats in the world, I am the only one that speaks the words of men-"

Link was apparently intent on interrupting and questioning the boat. "The words of men? Couldn't you just say 'the words'? What, are there words of boats?"

"Why yes, we speak through those creaks you silly people think are just normal. Allow me to introduce myself."

"No, I don't allow you."

"I am the _Prime Minister of Green Giraffes_."

"How is that name accurate when you're red?"

"Well, I got a new paintjob, and I was going to change it..."

"I can help you find a new one!"

"You will?"

"Sure!"

_Several Hours Later_

"How about _Rosebud_?" The Prime Minister suggested.

"Naw, that's a sled," replied Link, who was holding a very large book labeled _Every Name for Inanimate Objects That's Been Used in History and Then Some_.

"Aha! The S.S. _More Powerful than Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and The Incredible Hulk Put Together_!

"Inpossible as it sounds, it's taken!"

"Hmmm...The _King of Red Lions_?"

Link started hacking like he was about to cough up a lung. "Blech! Ye-COUGH! That's terrible! I couldn't think up a worse name myself, but since there are no other unused names, I guess it will do."

"Excellent! I am the _King of Red Lions_! Now, as to why I am here...to sum things up, corn **_on_** the cob. No wait, that's the Maize Palace summary. Well, just go get me a sail."

"Why?"

"So I can move."

"Why?"

"So we can go save your sister."

"Why?"

"Because the Helmaroc King is evil."

"Why?"

"Because he was born into an evil family."

"Why?"

"Well, you see, when two Helmarocs love each other very much-"

"Ew, I don't wanna hear that! Promise to shut up and I'll get it! Geez!" Link stormed off with a face of disgust.

King leaned (or floated) back and smirked at his own cleverness. He had known Link was a simpleton the moment he started mumbling about quasimotos...

Elsewhere on Windfall Island (the island that Link and King are on), Link was having some very strange problems. Some rich dude had made him pay 80 Rupees, blaming him for smashing some really shiny, expensive pots when they actually fell into a wormhole. A kooky scientist started to ramble on about the sound "Choo-Choo" and how it could make regenerative potions. He saw a fat dude in an Elvis suit (WRONG WRONG WRONG), who called himself Tott. He danced around, trying to figure out how to-

Cutting him off, Link headed into a building. Upon entering it, it seemed to be a sort of jail cell, with a fruity elfish guy inside.

"Hmmmmmmmm! Green clothes? Green hat? Hair as transparent as a plastic bag? Sir, you must be a fairy!" the dumb Elf proclaimed.

"Actually, I'm a-"

"Quick! Mr. Fairy, use your Alchemy and get me out of here!"

"Alchemy? What's that?" Link apparently had no recall of Chapter 3.

"Ummm...step on the magic switch, Mr. Fairy!"

"Why should I?"

"It is vital to the safety of the completion of the game that you let me out!"

"Game?"

MAYDAY! MAYDAY! ZERO-NINER!

A powerful plothole appeared, altering history until Link had no idea he was in a game/fanfiction, Tingle the fruity elfish guy had never been put in the cell, and Ronald McDonald became the president of the Confederate States of America in 1861.

Link was plainly dropped right in front of Shop Master Zunari's jacuzzi. A couple feet away, Zunari's shop could be seen.

Zunari, who was some sort of creepy Eskimo with ponytails hidden under his huge jacket, welcomed Link with open arms. Link got down to business, not returning the offered hug. "I don't care whether you have Choo-Choo Potions or not, I want a sail!

"I come from a place called Parts Unknown...as I journeyed to Free Country U.S.A., a storm attacked me...but the Cheat could do nothing about it. All of my worldly posessions were destroyed, but mysteriously, _that_ survived. I came here in the hopes of starting a successful business and having the Cheat steal from the competitors, but I need some starting fees...I am willing to sell _that_ for a mere four red Rupees. Or, I could accept eight yellow Rupees. Sixteen blue Rupees would be nice, but eighty green Rupees would be overkill...you could give me a purple Rupee, a red Rupee, and a yellow Rupee, but-"

"ENOUGH! JUST TAKE AN ORANGE ONE!"

Zunari, having been trained by the infamous Chet Rippo, knew not to give any change, and if possible, not give the product either. But he gave Link a shiny...er, soft, new _Sail_!

"A sail! Just what I've always wanted as of twenty minutes!" Link's eyes gleamed as he looked over the sail.

"Enjoy it! It is the best sail in the world, as it will never tear, sustain a fire, rot, get eaten by moths, or come undone, plus it is 100 efficient in water and is wormhole-proof! It's even certified by the National Stupid People Who Set Up a Sail Organization Organization!"

"Oh, that's great. I've always wanted to have Sail for dinner, I've heard their fibers are good for the medulla oblongata."

"That's just bull!"

"Yeah, well, you started it."

Ignoring the nuclear reactions around Zunari's head as his brain imploded, Link strolled back to the cove where King was.

"Excellent," said King, "you have found a sail. Ooh, it's even certified by the N.S.P.W.S.U.S.O.O.!

"But where are we going?"

"An island two sectors away...the people that inhabit it can soar in the skies, and we must attain a pearl there..."

"For a necklace?"

"No...I can't reveal it to you just yet...quickly, Link! A westerly wind blows! Let it carry us to the east!"

Link climbed into the _King of Red Lions_ and they sailed off into the distance.

Next Chapter: Crouching Tiger, Fatass Dragon

I made good time on this one...at least for me. Gotta love those discreet references. But don't you dare say I spelled _Tessaiga_ wrong, or I'll throw a finely thought-out paragraph at you. Read and review!


	5. Crouching Tiger, Fatass Dragon

I'm so, so, so, slow...why am I slow? Why? Why! WHY! Bah...responses.

W-wait a minute, I already sent responses in that new-fangled system over thar. I'm afraid, all you anonymous reviewers, that you can't receive responses anymore.

Zelda isn't mine. If it was, Ganondorf would be an idiot, the Master Sword would be pure diamond, there would be a "TURBO-DRIVE" button on the _King of Red Lions_, and Ronald Reagan would be somewhere in the game.

Chapter 5: Crouching Tiger, Fatass Dragon

From where we left off last chapter, Link and the _King of Red Lions_ had set sail to the east. Having lived on a puny little rock in the sea for so long, Link was unacquainted with long journeys. VERY unacquainted.

"Are we there yet?" Inquired Link.

"No," King replied.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Can you hear me now?"

"Yes."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Then it's not good. It's bad. Are we there now?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"No we aren't!"

"You catch on quickly. Get a hobby, mental idiot."

Link did not know what mental idiot that King was talking to, but he decided to get a hobby anyway. Pulling out the latest variety of _Game Dude_, the _Game Dude Pocket Micro Color Advance Special Dual Screen Lite_, with _Polkamon_ already plugged in and 27 quadruple-A batteries inside. Being a good friend to King and all, Link felt that he shouldn't miss out on any of the sweet (read crappy) action, so he decided to narrate every single excruciating word to King.

"SUPERMON used BEAT THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF THE OTHER POLKAMON! IT'S A MON, MON used ACCORDION! SUPERMON'S LUNG CAPACITY fell!"

King was getting desperate, but through his bloodshot eyes, he managed to see a mountainous outcrop of land. "LINK! WE'RE THERE YET NOW!"

Link, of course, was absorbed in his game, finally pushing King to the point of doing a barrel roll and dumping him in the sea. "Nooooooo! That _Game Dude_ cost 500,000,000 Rupees!" Link wailed, but suddenly stopped short and peered up at the island. "What's that thing on top?"

"Indeed, Link, you have noticed the rather large dragon-"

"More like the fatass dragon!"

"Please, Link, this is no time for vulgarity. Valoo is very sensiti-"

"Valoo? That's a dumb name."

"Please, Link, this is no time for derogation. Lord Valoo is very-"

"Lord? Thats a dumb title. I'd be 'Superior Emperor Captain Major Official Army Negative Private General King Super His Awesomeness Majesty Malcolm-Akbar Mustafa,' or Supempcapmajoffarmnegprigenkingsuphisawemaj for short."

"Please, Link, this is no time for derogation. Lord Valoo is very touchy about his title. He's also wanted to be Supempcapmajoffarmnegprigenkingsuphisawemaj Malcolm-Akbar Mustafa for some time. Now, you must acquire an object called 'Din's Pearl.' It is crucial to the-"

"What's the pearl for?"

A vein, or rather, a splinter, bulged on King's head. "MUST YOU ALWAYS INTERRUPT-"

Instead of merely interrupting King again, Link simply walked off, leaving King to fume to himself. Looking around, Link could see a labyrinthine layout of rocks, boulders, pebbles, Pebbles, Bam-Bam, asteroids, comets, pastrami, and some sort of "explosive fruit." Link certainly didn't have the time, patience, willpower, brainpower, or any type of power, for that matter, to deal with this, so he decided to devise a new plan...

Gathering a team of experienced and established scientists, nuclear physicists, astronomers, and conspiracy theorists, Link set out to disprove what could be the single most famous theory of modern times. Doing so would be the task of the century, but he was confident it could be done. After many long hours of planning, plotting, consideration, and butt-scratching, Link and his team were still debating.

"Old Al must have been right; we've been at this for hours, days even!"

"It is quite a solid foundation for a theory..."

"That fool didn't know what he was doing the whole time!"

"The Russians ate the Moon! I saw it with my own three noses!"

"I've got it!" Yelled a triumphant Link. "This is the formula! E The Letter After D!"

There were many oohs and aahs around the group, as Link had disproved Einstein's Theory of Relativity. As a side effect, gravity seemed to meander off, and Link was able to easily float up until he was where the layout of rocks would have taken him. Instead of floating up higher, Link destroyed all the evidence, promptly reestablishing the Theory of Relativity and restoring gravity. Looking back at the shore, Link saw that all of the scientists, physicists, astronomers, and theorists seemed to be discussing matters with the King, probably around the lines of ordering a pizza and then plotting Link's demise.

Link turned back around, then wandered up the rest of the mountain, thanks to a veranda-esque structure built on the side. Where it ended, a large cave in the mountainside had been bored out. Link entered the cave, the home of the Ritos.

Link gazed around in wonder. It looked like it had taken years to finely craft such a cave. He noticed antique furniture, the likes of which-

"GERONIMO!"

Our hero was quickly cut off from his unusual level of thinking as a bird-man came crashing down from the sky upon him. Link pushed the bird-man off of him.

"Hey, what's your problem, Birdman?" spat Link.

"Aw, I lost my last case," said Harvey Birdman, attorney at law, "and my clients are ingrates!"

"Don't worry, I'm sure the next one will be a smash hit."

"Thanks, I guess," said H.B., rather dejectedly.

"And _you!_" said Link, this time to the bird-man who fell on him, "What's _your_ problem?"

"GERONIMO!" the Rito replied.

"Who's Geronimo?"

"GERONIMO!"

"And this Geronimo is...?"

"GERONIMO!"

Link grabbed the Rito by the shirt and stared at him with eyes of fire. "Listen," he said with an assertive tone, "I'm going to say this once, and only once. Do I have anything stuck in my teeth?"

The Rito, unable to deal with so many words, exploded.

"Hey!" said an important-looking Rito to Link. "Who are you?"

"Your mom!" Link shot back.

"Then WHERE'S MY ALLOWANCE?" said the Rito.

"Well, I'm actually Link."

"Oh, I knew that. I was just wondering if you knew where my allowance was."

"Uh..."

"Anyways, I'm the Chieftain of Eragon Boost Island."

"I thought it was _Dragon Roost_ Island?"

"Well, yes, it is, but I'm the chieftain of Eragon Boost. The chieftain of Dragon Roost is over there," said the Rito, pointing to an even more important-looking Rito.

Link walked up to the Chieftain and tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The Chieftain turned around and said, "Hey! Who are you?"

"I'm Link."

"Leenck?"

"Link."

"Leank?"

"Link."

"Leak?"

"Link."

"Stairmaster?"

"Link."

"Ramrod?"

"Yes."

"Well then, Ramrod," said Chiefy McChief, "I need you to go give this letter to my snotty little son. As Dragon Boost has the only postal service on the Great Sea, we have no time to deliver letters that could be delivered by hand. So, will you do it?"

"Do I have any choice?" Link sulked.

"Nope!" said Chieftain, handing Link the letter. "Oh, and take this Deli-Very Bag. It holds deli and letters!"

"What can't I just carry the letter?"

Chieftain pulled out a flashlight (which was nonexistent at that time), somehow shut all other lights off, and turned it on, shining it at his face to make it looks all scary. "Because...you just might get PAPERCUTS!"

"Eeek!" said Link. "So what exactly is the letter for?"

"Well, Lord Valoo is being all bitchy and won't give us any scales, which let us fly. My son is worried that he won't ever fly, and his grandma died, and his eyelashes are sore or something..."

"Wow. I'm sorry for you," said Link.

"Yeah...now go deliver that letter!"

"Sir yes ma'am!"

_In Prince Komali's Room...Yes, That's His Name..._

Prince Komali stared discontentedly at an orange, glowy pearl. Suddenly, someone seemed to be banging on the door.

"THIS IS THE POLICE, OPEN UP!"

"That's not going to work, whoever you are," said Komali.

The door was subsequently kicked down by...the police. Whaddaya know. They dragged him off and arrested him for larceny of...stuff.

_Back to Reality..._

Prince Komali stared discontentedly at an orange, glowy pearl. With personal privacy barely crossing his small mind, Link strolled in.

"Hey, Princey boy, letter," said Link, giving him the letter from the Deli Very Bag.

Komali, with his incredible ability to read letters at light-speed, glanced at the letter and sighed. "Be courageous...easy for him to say..."

"Actually, it isn't," interjected Link. "You should've seen him struggling over all those words. Hey, cool glowy ball."

"Thanks. It's Din's Pearl, a-"

"I need that! It's crucial to...well, I don't know what it's crucial to, but..."

"No way! This was my grandma's, and you can't have it!"

"Oh yeah? What if I...got you a scale from that dragon dude?

"Yeah right, I'd like to see you try," said Komali.

"Oh, I'm gonna get you that scale, and then some!"

"Bring it!"

"Oh, it's already brung!"

_Later, at the Entrance to Dragon Roost Cavern_

"What's with all this pepper in the air?" asked Link to a nearby Rito guard.

"Lord Valoo is angry, so he cursed us with pepper rain. Pretty annoying being posted here."

"I feel your pain...not."

Link looked across the lake. Or what was left of it; it had all evaporated. The bridge was out, too. Link sat down and thought about how to get over. An idea came remarkably quickly. Link pulled out his RAZR cell phone and called up a friend, asked a question, then hung up, looking confident. With _Prince of Persia_-style physics, Link jogged up to the wall of the of the cavern entrance and ran across it, landing on the other side of the dried-up lake. Still brimming with unusual amounts of knowledge, Link found a way to get across the succeeding lava pit: run across _REALLY REALLY _quickly. His boots did not thank him, but they were inanimate, so they could not grumble to themselves, either.

Link walked into Dragon Roost Cavern and was greeted by two bokoblins. Rather, two _sleeping_ bokoblins. Link let the sleeping 'blins lie, but not before doodling on their faces.

A little while later, our "hero" was in the center of the cavern, which was full of fire and flaming doom. Link took a nearby door, and everything seemed alright, but Link's Cricket Sense told him something was horribly wrong. A red glob of jelly fell from the ceiling. Following that, a red, jelly-like animal fell. Thanks to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Great Sea, Link figured out that he was against a Chuchu, and a glob of red jelly. Link simply stabbed the Chuchu and ate the jelly.

In another room, Link had to traverse a second lava pit, but there were water jugs nearby. This enabled Link to cool his feet off after running over the lava.

The next room contained something truly, unduly frightening…

Your mom.

But seriously, it was a bokoblin with, no, not a boko stick, a METAL SWORD! DUN DUN DUN! Regardless, Link beat down the bokoblin easily. If you define "easily" as laboriously and with much difficulty.

_Since the author is so incompetent, he's skipping a bunch of rooms…insert dumb, humorless rooms here…_

Link found himself outside, high up on Dragon Roost. It looked like a safe path to the next door, but that's if you ignored the cracks in the mountainside. Funky-looking lava spewed out of them at suspiciously exact intervals of ten seconds or so. Link looked at the path with confidence. He was sure that he could get by, as he was "intellygint." The mountainside stood no chance against him!

_Several Minutes Later_

Link was in the next room, and had learned to treat third-degree burns the hard way. He noticed a bunch of rats running around as ominous battle music emanated seemingly from nowhere. Link's RAZR phone started ringing, and he answered it.

"Hello?" asked Link.

"Hello, do you have Prince Albert in a can?" asked a voice from the other side.

"Who's Prince Albert?" asked Link. "And while I'm at it, what's a can?"

"Well, you better go let him out!" shouted the voice, hanging up.

Link just stood there and tried to comprehend what that guy was talking about. A very difficult task, no doubt. He quickly got another call. The Caller ID showed "WILLY LORENZO."

Link answered the phone, ready for any Prince Albert jokes. "Listen, I don't know this Prince Albert, so don't go asking, punk!"

"What?" asked the voice on the other end.

"King? Is that you?"

"Yes, Link, I need to tell-"

"Your real name is 'Willy Lorenzo?'"

This threw the King for a real loop. "Well, uh...um, you see…er…nevermind that! I need to tell you about those rats scurrying around!"

"What about them?"

"While they are very annoying and attack you-"

"Attack me? The rats haven't attacked me!"

One of the rats suddenly body-slammed Link and took 50 Rupees from him.

"See what I mean, Link?" said the King.

"…whatever. Your point?"

"While they are very annoying and attack you, they are merely rats. Try bargaining with them, because everybody knows that rats know how to bargain."

"Um, okay. Bye."

Link pulled his Bait Bag our…

_Wait a minute! Link never got a Bait Bag!_

Would you let me finish?

_Fine, whatever. Probably some stupid resolution…_

Link pulled his Bait Bag out of a nearby wormhole and scattered some bait. The rats eagerly took it.

"Would you like to buy something?" asked the rat.

"Whaddaya got?"

"We have Red Potion, Bait, and 50 Rupees."

"How much for the 50 Rupees?"

"100 Rupees."

"Done!" said Link. _Fools_, he thought.

"Want to buy something else?"

"Wait a minute…why would you sell bait? Don't you have to eat it?"

"Well, you see…the thing is…um…er...SHUT UP!" screamed the rat, promptly exploding. The dramatic battle music stopped as well, much to the relief of anyone present. Which would be Link.

_A Few Rooms Later…_

Link was outside again. Stairs were leading up the mountainside, but Link noticed they were old and worn. Just to be safe, Link busted out his _Prince of Persia_ wall-running skills to get to the other side of the stairs. Link leapt at the left wall, having forgotten that the mountainside was to the right and that there was no left wall, only a long plummet.

_A Few Hours Later_

Link was outside again. Stairs were leading up to the mountainside, but Link noticed they were old and worn. Ignoring safety, Link ran up the stairs as quickly as possible. They collapsed as he ran over them, but he somehow got to the end of the stairs. He could hear Lord Valoo roaring a lot and swearing in Hylian, but he disregarded that for the moment. The stairs had led to a large, circular area. Some Rito girl was in a cage at the far end, being guarded by two green bokoblins. Dramatic battle music (which was really getting old by now) emanated from Valoo's boombox as Link leapt into pitched combat!

Of course, Mr. Combat would not simply stand there and let people leap into him, so he stormed off to somewhere else. Nonetheless, Link stood back up and soared into battle!

…no, he's not going to soar into Battle from Chapter 3.

Anyways, Link approached the bokoblins with extreme caution. From the way they were entrusted with those badass swords, they were obviously masters of armed conflict.

"You think we can take this guy?" the first Bokoblin asked the other.

"Who?" said the second Bokoblin.

"That guy."

"What about him?"

"Do you think we can take him?"

"Who?"

"Do you think we can take that guy?"

"What guy?"

While the first Bokoblin proceeded to throttle the other, Link broke the Rito girl out of the cage. She gave him a Grappling Hook and said something about how a monster was hurting Valoo's tail, which hung into some chamber below. Link barely paid attention to any of this, mainly watching the two Bokoblins attack each other. When the Rito left, Link traveled back inside Dragon Roost Cavern, to a room that led to the room where Valoo's tail hung down into. However, it was locked with a big, menacing lock with an eye. Link decided that busting out his lock-picking skills was in order.

_Two hours later…_

Link had exhausted his supply of blowtorch fluid, crowbars, and hairpins. He angrily kicked the door…open. There _was_ a lock on it, but it wasn't locked. Link entered. The room was mostly a lava pit, with ground all around the edge of the chamber. Valoo's tail could clearly be seen hanging down from the ceiling. Just when everything seemed fine and dandy, a giant…monstrous…bug thing named Gohma erupted out of the lava. It seemed covered with armor, and it looked like it had one weak point: its eye. It looked like he had a long fight before him.

_Another two hours later…_

Link had been fighting Gohma for quite a while, but had done virtually no damage. Suddenly, Link remembered something that a young boy had told him:

_"Do not try and bend the fork. That's impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth. There is no fork. Then you'll realize that it is not the fork that bends, it is only yourself."_

"There is no fork," said Link slowly, "and there is no Gohma either!"

Gohma promptly disappeared via impossibility consequences and _Matrix_ references. A Piece of Heart and fancy whirly wind teleport appeared afterwards. Link grabbed his Piece of Heart, unsure of what to do with it, and stepped into the teleport.

_Outside, on the shores of Dragon Roost_

Link appeared inches above the ground. If you think about that, this is sort of insensitive. If the teleport can take Link all that distance, why doesn't it go to the trouble to put him _on_ the ground, huh?

Prince Komali wandered over, unfazed from the paranormal transportation Link took to get to the shore.

"Hey, you! Ramrod, right?" he said.

"Um…yeah. I went through on my side of the bet, now where's my orange glowy ball!"

"Here," said Komali, handing Link Din's Pearl. "Hey! Where's my scale from Valoo?"

"I calmed him down so you can get to him, go get your own damn scale!"

"Well I will then!"

"Bring it!"

"Oh, I will!"

So Link, with Din's Pearl in tow, headed over to the _King of Red Lions_.

"Hey, Willy, what's up?" said Link.

"Don't call me that," said King Willy. "And my name isn't King Willy!"

"Whatever. So where do we go now?"

"We need the wind to blow to the south, and it isn't doing that, so…we're pretty much stuck here. But you can play with this stick I found," said King Lorenzo, handing Link a baton-ish stick. "And remember…my name ain't King Lorenzo."

Link muddled around for a bit, and then went through an archway that led to the other side of the island. He saw two monoliths. One was broken, but the other was untouched, and had three directional symbols on it. On a whim, Link pretended to conduct with his baton-ish stick, following the three directions. Link decided to get out of there quick if anybody had seem him, but turned around to the strange sight of a giant frog on a cloud.

"So you're the new Wind Waker-Upper, eh?" said the green frog.

"Ahh! Big frog!" screamed Link.

The frog just followed him on his cloud, rambling on about the wind and cyclones and something or other. He eventually went away though. Link went back to King to tell him about this.

"King! You'd never believe-"

"No, I wouldn't! It's a southerly wind! Let's go!"

"To where?"

"To a place where forestry abounds and green is everywhere…the Forest Haven!"

Link and King sailed off into the distance…

Next Chapter: The Great Dookie Tree

Alright, I took a very long time. About eight months. But I'm turning over a new leaf. I will commit myself to update…every two weeks. When school starts, this will probably slow down big-time. So, Chapter Six should be here around July 16.

And I know that's not the greatest chapter title, alright?

And don't tell me to hurry up. I know I've got to hurry up.


End file.
